Suggested 2008 Resolutions for Cable Media Outlets

1. CNN - You're international, but for you, that means, British. I don't see American newscasters in the U.K., so why are they on your shows all of the time? The fact of an accent doesn't make your station anymore interesting or trustworthy. Hire born and bred Americans; they can handle international news, too. Your outsourcing of presenters from the U.K. suggests that you sound insecure. If you really want to copy the U.K., spend less time on fluff and give the news straight, with proper grammar. And it's nice to see some of your news anchors back on the beat -- so they can reconnect with the people they interview, instead of making news themselves. But you're hiring quite fetching young male presenters (And I approve). Lou Dobbs should just run for office and be done with it. He cannot articulate his views in a spontaneous educated manner and should just read the friggin' prompter.

2. MSNBC - You have sex on the brain and you need to get it out of your system, so you can take it off of ours'. You're turning into FOX TB - yes, it's catchy but not something that actual yields any intellectual value to human discourse, except kinky intercourse. What's with the jail fixation? Someone seems nostaglic for Shawshank Redemption, and in so doing has not redeemed your cable news outlet as a hard-hitting legit news source. The flirting on air (Contessa Brewer], the DOCK BLOCK - rhymes with another block of the penile sort, and Chris Matthews Puritans Rule hardball show only bounces back and makes you all look like you need lessons in Journalism 101. CNBC - good, always good. Tim Russert - out. Reliable Sources on CNN - half-way in, if the anchor starts giving credit to the source of his "ideas."

3. Fox News - What can I say except that you're the most transparent news station of them all. You're red, dead, and that's enough said. You are the quintessential show for high school Americans who like to be on a team when they watch the news. You're rooting for the right-wing guy and you're proud of it. But stop saying you're fair. You're as fair as a casting agent in Hollywood. You put on those who succumb to your view of the news. O'Reilly needs to be lobotomized so he can learn something -- but at least you hire Americans. Your international news is the equivalent of going to Puerto Rico to get a good assignment. But you don't care anyway, it's all about the red, white and blue. And just why are those black dudes on in the morning --- and only in the morning? But I could be wrong, because I rarely watch you.
Oh, and the Red Eye guy -- kinda kinky, but he's not bad. Entertaining, almost.

Anyway, have a Happy News Year! Here's NOT looking at you as much this year!!

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